She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
