If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i dont even know how to be here
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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