i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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