My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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