FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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