i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
