YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize