My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize