if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
