I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
