We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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