I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
