Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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