I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
