so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize