She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
