She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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