I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
