Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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