The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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