this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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