If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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