I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize