And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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