ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
