You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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