Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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