Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Small penises have feelings too.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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