I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize