There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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