sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
