Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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