It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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