there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize