You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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