I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
