I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
