I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
