The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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