I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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