if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize