Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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