Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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