There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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