i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
