Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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