one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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