she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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