At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
