I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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