Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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