Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
