On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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