morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
