...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
