I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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