Swine flu. Run for my life!
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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