started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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