there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
