No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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