i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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