either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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