mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
