you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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