The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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