There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
